Shifting Tectonic Plates, or My Suddenly Mismatched Life

I have the urge to get a tattoo today. NOW. There are two that I have wanted for a while (geeky math stuff and a Beckett quote). Lately I am feeling the weight of having lived such a limited, controlled life. Everything has been so “careful.” I have such strong urges to do some thrilling things, to live a little, ya know? Not jump out of airplanes, do heroin while bungee jumping, or have unprotected sex with an entire fleet of Navy sailors. No, I’m just sick of being in this tiny little box that I made for myself. Not entirely sure what to do with all this. Will get a tattoo, because it is meaningful to me and have wanted it for years, but I gotta come up with some things to do to jump start living, before I die! A friend of mine likes to say, Get busy livin,’ or get busy dyin.’

Blerg. Life is so odd. I feel like there was some major, unidentified shift in my world in the last six months. Everything is off kilter, with no way of returning to the way things were, in terms of my thinking, my way of relating to friends, the way I think about work, etc. It is not bad. In fact I know it is a good thing overall and probably a major spiritual gift, but my internal tectonic plates do not match up anymore and I am not sure how to navigate my own mental/physical landscape anymore.

I know that a couple friends are wondering why I am so unavailable these days. But I feel like I can’t go back to playing the normal game of talking/thinking about superficial things, and discussing the new fuckwit so and so is dating, or what to wear to next week’s party. And no, I don’t want to go to that party. Would rather be by myself. Unfortunately, these two friends live in my same apartment building, so it is challenging to avoid them (makes me feel like a bitch, but oh well). Oddly enough, this is not depression or antisocial behavior, which is strange.  I have had plenty of experience with both, and this feels quite different.

Getting so philosophical, I know. But I feel like I have been playing a placid game of Monopoly with the world for a decade, then one morning I woke up and the world around me was still playing that same game of Monopoly, but suddenly I was engaged in a wild game of high stakes poker, betting all my chips on a single hand, and wondering why the hell I can’t relate to all these Monopoly people any more. Make sense?

I feel full of this strange energy that reminds me of anger, but it is not anger. Totally new. It’s like a jiggly combination of:

• Defiance
• I dare you
• Fuck it
• Giddy freedom
• Why the hell not???
• Just do it fer cryin’ out loud
• Fed up with the old way, ready for …And now for something completely different…
• Am I really who they think I am?
• Sick of  play-acting with everyone to keep the peace
• Tired of the roles you keep telling me that I should play. So I’m not gonna. KTHXBAI.

Hah! Just typing that list cracks me up and makes me feel better. It’s all good, it’s all fine, it’s where I am supposed to be. But I have to accept that my moving forward is likely going to piss off some folks very close to me, and I may lose their friendship. That fear has kept me in check for years, but shit, what has it gotten me? Just more fear, and more of a small life framed by resentment.

Thanks for listening.

Autobiography In 5 Short Chapters

As promised in my comment to Stella here is the poem that seems to describe my (our?) journey with eating issues (it is by Portia Nelson). I’m going to omit the line breaks just to keep it shorter. Geneen might have read this at the retreat, I can’t remember. But I have had it for a long time – I think I have made it to Chapter 3 for sure but like  the movie Ground Hog day, I keep repeating that chapter over and over although I have had glimpes of Chapter 4 since the retreat so that is encouraging. And I think I have left chapters 1 and 2 behind forever.

Chapter one:

I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I’m lost. I’m helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter two:

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter three:

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in. It’s a habit. But my eyes are open. It is my fault and I get out immediately.

Chapter four:

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter five:

I try walking down a different street.

What the Hell??? aka, Please Help a Girl Out

I’ve had a sneaking suspicion, but am now quite sure that I have put on quite a bit of weight in the last four months. Basically started eating crappily in November and never stopped. Being laid off most certainly did not help. Having my office in my kitchen did not help (I can jusr oll to the fridge in my chair!). Being a lifetime complusive eater did not help. But am now seeing a slight difference in how clothes fit, my overall outline, etc.

This makes me crazy. Not the weight gain, per se, although that pisses me off in an exhausted sort of way (again? really? fuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk.). It is more that I did not think that I could slide back this far, and just fling myself wholeheatedly into eating all sorts of crap, ignoring the quiet messages from my body, and generally ignoring all that I know works.

And to complicate things, I will likely need to get on a plane to Miami in a few months for a work trip, and that is a BIG problem. Pun intended, of course. I have not traveled in so many years, as it is a misery for me. I am so wide through the lower half, and the seats are so narrow. Being so tall, my knees are jammed against the seat in front of me the whole time, which hurts like hell, and I can’t move. Now I have an injured, operated-on knee that will not tolerate that, and the airlines that had widened their seats slightly have all returned to itty bitty ones for $ purposes. Plus, the airlines don’t let you stand around in the back of the plane reading a book as I used to do to relieve my knees (I might be a terrorist, of course). And my new company is not able to spring for a first class ticket. Fuck.

So there’s all that, and the fact that I just want to be able to travel for myself! I have gone nowhere, and am getting sick of it. One more reason I need to be narrower: to start living my actual life before I am decrepit. If this were not an issue, I could take a quick trip before I start the new job, because once I do, I will not able to travel till I build up some vacation days.

Another reason I need to lose weight quickly is that that same knee cannot endure the extra weight. It just makes everything worse, and it is already a big problem. Plus, I don’t wanna be huge! Can you tell that I am mad and frustrated???? If I could, I would go to some swanky spa in Arizona where I do yoga and swim and meditate and they fix me healthy meals. Skinny heaven, I know.  and yes, pipe dream, I know. Key words are “fix me.”

So you see what I have been thinking about, and I know that it is familiar territory for all of us. Way too familiar.

But today I found myself thinking that I would follow some eating plan (i.e., DIET) for awhile to drop my weight back down. Jump start things. Nothing extreme, but the usual protein, clean carbs, veggies, fruit. The point is not the food, as I am not considering some extreme liquid diet or the all-grapefruit diet, etc. The point is that I would be doing very controlled eating with a specific goal in mind, and that can trigger bad stuff, because, well, it is dieting to my mind.

My body just feels icky lately, in general, which is not surprising with the bad eating going on for so long now. In the last couple weeks I have made efforts to return to Geneen-style eating, and I get through about 2/3 of a day successfully, then am back to bad habits.

I don’t understand this sort of thing, because I generally feel happy! My life is good right now. The stress of no job has been lifted, and I now have this period of time to work on my own stuff and take things a bit easier before I start the new job. I feel good, and yet the eating is a mess. And do I want to sit down and do some writing into it to see what comes up? HELL NO. I kind of have a “fuck off” attitude and I don’t know why.

I guess that I am looking for feedback here, because it is hard for me to filter rational thoughts from my mental noise and the irrational need to fix things and get quick results. I will find a way to do a writing inquiry within the next couple days. But what are people’s thoughts on the dieting thing with the specific goal of losing weight? It goes against Geneen’s stuff, I know. But I also feel there are health reasons here that I have to address sooner rather than later, or else I will be looking at knee issues and high blood sugar counts again, which scares me half to death, and rightfully so.

I just feel like I have lost my perspective. And it took a long time to gain that great, big picture perspective, so this disturbs me.

So pitch in here, ladies, and throw your opinion into the fray. Me spending most of my time alone is a bad thing (maybe part of the problem?), and so your input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your help and guidance! I value it greatly, as I know y’all have many of the same loopy brain patterns that I do, and can understand the crazy thoughts.

The Good News for The Me

The silence on the blog has been deafening. Guess everyone is engrossed in their own little whirlwind lives, just as I have been.

The good news on my end is that I have a new job, though it won’t start till April, and it is for almost half of what I was making before. BUT, and these are big things that make a huge difference, I will be getting paid to learn what I needed to learn for my own business ventures anyway, and I will be working with a company and president that I really, really like. The office is not far from my house, I will work 6-7 hours a day, and people brings their dogs to the office (love that!), and I will have an impressive title that will help me with whatever my next moves are in the future (Director of Marketing). I will actually be the entire marketing department, but future employers do not need to know that!

For the last six weeks I have been doing some consulting work for these same folks, which is good. The company is part of my old company (the folks who laid me off). They firm had two distinct divisions, and the CEO sold one division to the guy that had been running it. That guy is my new boss, and he is very laid back and we are like-minded with business and design. They do qualitative research for ad agencies and companies (focus groups, interviews, etc), and they have these stunning studios in San Francisco that people rent out, right upstairs from Prada! Check them out here. He always liked the work that I did handling his design projects, and he basically created this new position for me (which is part of why they cannot pay me much for the first year-it was never in the budget). In this market, I am just thankful to get expenses covered, and have a job that does not suck a million hours of time and energy.

I have also been trying to finish up writing an ebook before the new job starts, so that I can get the marketing going for that and launch it before I am working every day. It is about using all sorts of online tools to establish your web persona, so that you attract the attention of recruiters and employers, or you can use it to establish credibility before starting a new business, going after venture capital, or just trying to get more clients for your small business. Most people are so haphazard with their online presence, and they rarely think about the fact that the first thing many prospective employers/clients do now is  Google their name. Then up comes your myspace pages with photos of you passed out drunk at parties (that actually happened to a recruiter..needless to say, she canceled the interview). Anyway, it is a project that should help out a lot of people who really need to get jobs and are trying to find a way to make themselves stand out from the pack.

So this post is for catching people up on what I have been doing. Next one is where I get into my icky headspace…  I know y’all can’t wait!  Good times.

finally bought broken open

hi all-

so i have been hearing again and again about the book Broken Open. I finally bought it and I believe it is going to be such a yummy read for me right now. Would love to chat with you gals that are reading or have read it. I saw that Oprah has a webcast that you can download with Elizabeth Lesser speaking about spirituality.

I was trying to get through the Power of Now…seeming to have the toughest time! Maybe after this book …I will be broken open to reading it.

Geneen Salon.com article

Click on the link to read this I was fleeced by Madoff article by Geneen Roth on Salon.com.

Aren’t we all at least a bit scared right now due to the perilous state of the economy unless we have already reached a state of enlightenment? The honesty and humor Geneen brings to this life-altering experience is impressive. I did not post this link to start a bunch of gossip about her tragedy. Her message in this article is potent: all we ever really have in good or bad economic times are the riches of this moment. Geneen leaves us with powerful truths about the hungry ghost realm we can get into so easily. She reminds us that freedom lies in wanting EXACTLY what you have instead of what you don’t have.

And her reflection reminded me that we STILL live in an incredibly abundant country, world, universe.  In this moment I am safe, warm, well-loved, and sooo much more nourished on all levels than I have ever been in my life. I am determined to stay grounded and open-hearted as the world keeps on spinning as it will.

In love and light to all you beautiful lights out there,

italiana1981 (daniela)

Wishing to come back home…

Hi girls…I hope you’re all doing well…I have to say I have not been doing that well but yet have made some great discoveries about myself and my relationship with food plus a few of my most profound beliefs…all of this has been REALLY  positive…

Also…that my 2009 resolutions are so much different than those of years before!!! I am commiting myself to having more fun…laughing more both of life and of myself when needed and enjoying MYSELF…and my husband and kids fully!!!

Last year I remember I wrote some numbers on a small piece of paper…drop xyz pounds and abc body fat %!!! BAD,BAD,BAD!!!

WELL…I wanted to get in contact with you because I am going to make the effort to writr,write, write about what I feel…this was working wonders for me just after the retreat and began to stop working as soon as I left myself and stopped writing and also began OVEREATING…

I know that when I don’t leave myself it all falls into place and I feel wonderful and eating becomes a source of real pleasure in my life but I really need you guys…so I will be posting frequently to keep myself on track!!!

I send you all lots of hugs and wish you well and if there is anything you need please don’t hessitate and tell me, write or whatever…

Love

Cakey

Eating Guidelines Excuses: Too Hungry, Too Busy

Our recent teleconference & our blog has inspired me to give the eating guidelines a trial in earnest.

I decided to start with breakfast, because this meal sets the tone for the rest of the day.

This is how I usually talk myself out of following the eating guidelines: “I am too hungry and busy right now to follow the eating guidelines. I am going to go in the kitchen now and start munching on whatever looks good to me while preparing breakfast, and then finish breakfast while checking my e-mail because I am too busy to just eat while eating.”

 

I am taking the power back and throwing out the too hungry and too busy excuses. I thought that I would finally give myself permission to sit down and eat my meals if I was not working in an office 8 hours a day. It turns out how I eat is definitely how I do everything! I want everything done before it is done. When my relationship with food is peaceful my whole life becomes more peaceful. I can choose to sit on the couch with my laptop and a view of the television while I eat breakfast and lunch, or of course I can eat in my other favorite place: the car.

Lately I have been choosing to eat at my dining room table where I have a lovely view of a giant redwood tree and the mountains in peace. I am usually alone at breakfast and lunch, so these are perfect opportunities for eating meditation. The peacefulness from practicing the eating guidelines at just 1 or 2 meals a day is filtering into all areas of my life. I gave someone a cooking lesson yesterday and we made 2 sweet snacks/desserts. I did not have any crazy cravings for them! This is a miracle.

I am continuing to do the Presence Process which I wrote about on my Birthday post. It is helping me learn how to do the inquiry process that we did on Geneen’s retreat. Someone who had been on the retreat with Geneen several times had shared that this retreat was the first time she really got what doing inquiry was all about. This comment made me think I was not really ‘getting’ how to do inquiry. I realized I have been trying to inquire with my thinking mind, my ego. Now I am letting my mind relax when I ask myself what the sources of my anxiety, shame, and fear are that I use food to numb. Instead of expecting immediate answers to pop up in my consciousness and then getting mad when they don’t, I am experimenting with letting the answers come when I least expect it: while driving, after taking a relaxing nap, etc. And it is working. I am beginning to unravel the emotions and beliefs that are the causes of my suffering. It is a radical shift for me to really focus on the eating guidelines and do deep emotional integration work instead of hyper-focusing on just diet, exercise, and meditation.

 

My biggest way I sabotage myself when I start making internal shifts is getting too busy. I need to have time to be still and inquire into what is going on with me because I get emotionally triggered so frequently, and I will end up eating compulsively BEFORE I can get in touch with what is triggering unless I am letting myself live at a calm pace and keeping things SIMPLE.

 

It is all about food and totally not about food at the same time. I will write about that on my next post!

Hello to you all

Hi there friends of this wonderful Kingdom…I just came back from Orlando…hope you all did your best during these holidays and managed some internal peace…I got the chance to meditate twice during the trip which to me is awesome!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox to all of you

 

Cakey

Of interest to those reading Broken Open

Hi all, I’m mostly just testing out the new blog side, but thought those of you reading or thinking of reaading Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser might be interested in these events:
Wednesday, January 7
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Lesser and Rev. Beckwith join Oprah and Rev. Ed Bacon to discuss how to live your best spiritual life.

Oprah & Friends on Sirius XM Radio
Lesser takes your questions on this special call-in show.

Wednesday, January 14
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Lesser discusses her book Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.

Oprah.com
Oprah hosts a 2-hour webinar with callers Skyping in to speak with Lesser, Rev. Beckwith, and Rev. Bacon.